The Red Privateer's Sure-Fire, Never-Fail guide to LOSING your match by The Red Privateer

So I've been using this game for a couple months now. Generally, I play as SAW, and then either Petal, Taka, or Krul. I've noticed that many people here talk about Killer SAW or Ultimate Glave or Frostburn vs. Shatterglass, and don't get me wrong, that's all great stuff, but it misses the point.

Vain Glory is a TEAM game -- 3 on 3. You can have the best of whatever character you have chosen, your teammates can have the the best characters they have chosen, and you can still lose and/or have a frustrating experience. This guide is not a discussion of how to build a great player -- it's my lessons learned from my losses (and yes, they are influenced by my playing as SAW).

Since we all know that the path to destroying your opponent's Vain goes straight through the Gold and Munion mines, feel free to romp around the Jungle to build YOUR character. [Side note -- this is why I started to play SAW. In my early days playing this game, as Catherine, I noticed every playing as SAW started in the jungle. I lost a lot of matches then.] Sure, your teammates will get whomped; sure, your opponent's will run straight through your turrets, but don't worry -- YOU will have run through those levels like nobody's business.

Hey, your Laner is just busting through your opponent's defenses, but your character might get hurt or (worse still) killed, or (TRAGICALLY) MIGHT NOT GET THAT EXTRA GOLD!

Your opponents will thank you for letting them pummel your teammate.

Because they really don't inflict all that much damage on your opponents

Because you can take the pounding from both the enemy turrets AND your opponent.

Do I REALLY have to explain this one?

Sub note -- draw the Kraken away from SAW or Joule when the are hammering away at the Kraken with Supressing Fire (SAW) or the Big Red Button (Joule). Because the Kraken didn't really need that damange

Okay, I am going to abandon the sarcasm here, because honestly, I don't know how to phrase this sarcastically.

Your duration out of the match after being killed is not dependent on the number of times you've been killed, but how far the matched has progressed. I have actually made it almost all the way through a match without getting killed until the end, and I was STILL out for 50 seconds give or take (I don't remember the exact time when it finally happened). I've subsequently become more aggressive in the early game and worried less about getting beaten up early on, because I'm almost right back in the game.

Sure, get right in to the thick of an ambush WAAAAAY ahead of your teammates. G'head. Please. Your opponents will be happy to pick you and your teammates off one by one.

As I noted above, I began playing as SAW because in my early days, I say players playing SAW badly. SAW can inflict a LOT of damage and become a very powerful attacker, very quickly, but SAW is anything but invincible.

1 -- SAW is sloooooooow. I've seen old anemic cars on the highway that can outrun SAW. If you know your opponent is around, stay close to SAW and defend him/hear

1a -- SAW is a weak defender. I've also seen paper towels that don't fall apart as quickly as SAW will when facing multiple combatants.

Because, you know, all those players that have abandoned a match just keep leveling up as quickly as the other two opponents.

Obviously, this guide is laden with sarcasm. Generally, when my team wins it is because...

1 -- We played as a TEAM. We start with no less then two people in the lane, preferably all three.

2 -- We kill off the first three of our opponent's turrets before given any serious attention to the Jungle.

3 -- We attack one opponent at a time. We try to anticipate where our opponent is going and get them there, and we did not going running off on our own.